Your First Birthday

Dear Adriana,
Last Friday was your First Birthday. You would have been 1! Can you believe it? We celebrated by having Dairy Queen with you, (one of your favorite Treats! I even got your favorite, a French Silk Pie Blizzard with extra chocolate! :) We set a blanket down and sat next to you. There was Me, Daddy, Grandma, Aliya, Jessica, Aunt Ella, Loa and Emi. The kids had fun taking balloons and letting them go for you to get them. They enjoyed watching them float to Heaven. The kids were having fun and running around the Cemetary, at first I wasn't sure if that was appropriate, but there wasn't anyone having a service at the time, so we sure werent bothering anyone, and besides, it was your Birthday, I am sure it made you happy to see the kids having fun and celebrating with you. I wonder if you were watching or there with us? I could not help but think about what you would have been doing if you were here with us, you would probably just be barely learning to walk, it would be so cute to watch you trying to walk and falling on your little bum when you got bumped just a little bit, with your cute little red hair that I would have had in a little pony tail on top of your head like a little water spout. Then you would probably cry and I would hold you close to me and kiss your little squishy cheeks to make you feel better. We brought you some really colorful flowers, a little windmill, and balloons. I hope you enjoy seeing them. They made me happy looking at them. After the cemetary we went to the Hospital were you were born and the kids donated really cute Easter stuffed animals with tags on them in your memory. They felt good about giving them to the hospital to donate to other children that have lost a baby brother or sister, just like they felt good about receiving Stuffed bears after you passed on, from other family's that lost a baby. We had such a good time with you. Happy Birthday my sweet precious Adriana.
Love,
Mommy

The Day before Easter...

Dear Adriana,
Today is the same day as last year (The Day before Easter) that we came home from the Hospital without you. That was really hard for us knowing we had to leave you there and you would not be coming home.The day was wierd, it was quiet and visitors had stopped comming. We did not have you in our room to take care of, we did not hear you crying. Mommy was hurting so bad from her surgery and my milk was coming in to feed you, but I couldn't. We knew that Easter was the following morning and wanted to be home with your sisters, so we asked to be able to be discharged that day. Walking out of that Hospital not having you with us and knowing that the only other time we would see you was at the Funeral Home was heartbreaking. While I was being wheelchaired out of the room and Daddy was walking with the flowers that were given to us, people were walking past us and looking at the flowers assumed we just had a baby and were going home, which we did and were, what they did not know was that you were in Heaven. They were happily saying "Congratulations!" Daddy did not know what to say so he just said "Thank You". As I waited outside with the nurse for Daddy to get the car I saw a New Mommy walking quickly with her friends arm around her helping her walk. She was clearly in Labor and all I could think about was how it wasn't fair that her baby was still alive. I stood there and cried while my nurse held me close to her. I did not have a carseat or a new little baby to take home. Instead all I had was a bag with some of the things that were donated for you at the Hospital. When we got home we were quickly greated by some friends and neighbors with hugs and support. I walked in the house and felt better being home but went in your room and was so sad. I wanted you home with me so bad, I felt so empty, you were not in my tummy or in my arms, What happened? I Miss you so much baby girl, Your Birthday is on Friday and we will be celebrating with you at your grave. I love you so much baby girl.