It's that time of year again...

Dear Adriana,
Well, its that time of year again, when all the Easter stuff hits all the stores. Its that time of year again, that all the memories of Easter 2 years ago come flooding back, its that time of year again that I try not to cry when I go to the store and see it all. It is by far the hardest time of year for me. I remember the day we came home from the Hospital without you, Me and Daddy were getting ready for Easter the next morning. It was a lONG day. Easter morning was the first day I did not get to see your pretty face. Being home, I felt you all around me, but I also had such a sick, empty feeling inside my chest, My arms ached for you so bad, and ALL I wanted was for you to be with me. It is this time of year that I have that extra push to spend more time with my kids and appreciate them for all they do and all the little things they say. Its that time of year again, that I am so glad for Christ and the knowledge you will be resurrected and We will be with you again. I love you baby girl. I miss you, and I wish you could be here hunting for Easter eggs with your big sisters and loving on your little Brother. My heart hurts for you, I love you and MISS you SOOOO much Baby Girl.
Love,
Mommy

My Dream

Dear Adriana,
2 nights ago I had a dream about you, it was actually the first dream that I have had about you! Me and some other people were in a room and your Casket was there open. You looked just like you did the last time I saw you...perfect in every way. I was staring at you and all of a sudden I saw you move your little sweet head. Then you started doing a little stretch like newborns do. I started practically hyperventilating and crying with happiness, I was basically freaking out, but in a happy way, I did not understand why noone else saw you move but me. It was so nice to see you move! I never got to see you do it, I just felt it. And then all of a sudden in my dream, your casket was open in the middle of the road, and for some reason, it was normal??? It was not until later when it was getting dark I got worried that someone might not see you and run you over. So I quickly went and got you. Dreams can be so wierd. But I really miss the first part of it when I saw your little cuteness again, I havent seen you in person for 18 LONG months, and it was nice cause it seemed so real. I sorta feel like I saw you a few days ago, and MOVING! I was SOOOOO Happy! I miss you baby girl, Happy Halloween sweet angel, I am sure you are the Best looking Angel up there! :) Love you sweet Baby.
Love,
Mommy

Dear Adriana,
I just wanted to write to you because I miss you so much and wanted to talk to you. Your baby brother was born 6 weeks ago! But I am sure you already knew that! :) I bet you were there when he was born werent you? I love and miss you so much and as I watch and hold and snuggle Austin, I get really sad that I do not get to do any of these things with you. The other day I was talking to your brother and I looked at him and said, "Did you see Adriana in Heaven?" And he gave me a big grin, so that mad me really happy and I said "You did!???". I wonder what kinds of things you told him before he came here. I wonder if you told him to be really good for Mommy because I deserved it? :) he is such a good baby, so it does make me wonder what you told him! Yesterday I was holding Austin on my rocking chair and looked down at him and noticed how much he looked like you at that angle, the same hairline, forehead and little nose and mouth! I looked up at the pictures of you on the wall and compared. Yep! Looked just like you! Mommy misses you so much and I wish you were here. I know you are in my heart, but I want you to be in my arms also. Last Month at Target I was leaving the store and saw a little girl who had the same shade of red hair as you, she was about 1 year old, the same age you would be if you were still here. She was so stinkin cute and I had a strong desire to just go and hold her. But of course that would have been weird for her family if I asked to do that so I just walked on smiling at her on my way out. I have to admit that there have been a few times when I have been bymyself and holding Austin, I would imagine for a moment it was you, just so I could pretend I was holding you all warm and snuggly and pretend you were still alive for a moment. It was nice and emotional. I am so glad you are safe in heaven with your Heavenly Father. I know he will take the best care of you until I get you back and can raise you with your Daddy and sisters. At least I know that you are ok. I always tell Aliya when she misses her pets that have died, that you are probably taking care of them for her. That makes her so happy! She talks about you alot and always askes what you would probably be doing if you were still here with us, would you be sitting up, or eating real food? today in the car she mentioned that if you were here, she would have to sit in the very back seat because there would be 4 of you guys! Then I see Aliya's little face get sad. She told me today that she misses you really bad. Oh man, your two sisters would have just loved you so much! I know they would have taken such good care of you! So would I. I just wanted to write you tonight. I will talk to you soon. Love you baby girl.
Love,
Mommy

Your First Birthday

Dear Adriana,
Last Friday was your First Birthday. You would have been 1! Can you believe it? We celebrated by having Dairy Queen with you, (one of your favorite Treats! I even got your favorite, a French Silk Pie Blizzard with extra chocolate! :) We set a blanket down and sat next to you. There was Me, Daddy, Grandma, Aliya, Jessica, Aunt Ella, Loa and Emi. The kids had fun taking balloons and letting them go for you to get them. They enjoyed watching them float to Heaven. The kids were having fun and running around the Cemetary, at first I wasn't sure if that was appropriate, but there wasn't anyone having a service at the time, so we sure werent bothering anyone, and besides, it was your Birthday, I am sure it made you happy to see the kids having fun and celebrating with you. I wonder if you were watching or there with us? I could not help but think about what you would have been doing if you were here with us, you would probably just be barely learning to walk, it would be so cute to watch you trying to walk and falling on your little bum when you got bumped just a little bit, with your cute little red hair that I would have had in a little pony tail on top of your head like a little water spout. Then you would probably cry and I would hold you close to me and kiss your little squishy cheeks to make you feel better. We brought you some really colorful flowers, a little windmill, and balloons. I hope you enjoy seeing them. They made me happy looking at them. After the cemetary we went to the Hospital were you were born and the kids donated really cute Easter stuffed animals with tags on them in your memory. They felt good about giving them to the hospital to donate to other children that have lost a baby brother or sister, just like they felt good about receiving Stuffed bears after you passed on, from other family's that lost a baby. We had such a good time with you. Happy Birthday my sweet precious Adriana.
Love,
Mommy

The Day before Easter...

Dear Adriana,
Today is the same day as last year (The Day before Easter) that we came home from the Hospital without you. That was really hard for us knowing we had to leave you there and you would not be coming home.The day was wierd, it was quiet and visitors had stopped comming. We did not have you in our room to take care of, we did not hear you crying. Mommy was hurting so bad from her surgery and my milk was coming in to feed you, but I couldn't. We knew that Easter was the following morning and wanted to be home with your sisters, so we asked to be able to be discharged that day. Walking out of that Hospital not having you with us and knowing that the only other time we would see you was at the Funeral Home was heartbreaking. While I was being wheelchaired out of the room and Daddy was walking with the flowers that were given to us, people were walking past us and looking at the flowers assumed we just had a baby and were going home, which we did and were, what they did not know was that you were in Heaven. They were happily saying "Congratulations!" Daddy did not know what to say so he just said "Thank You". As I waited outside with the nurse for Daddy to get the car I saw a New Mommy walking quickly with her friends arm around her helping her walk. She was clearly in Labor and all I could think about was how it wasn't fair that her baby was still alive. I stood there and cried while my nurse held me close to her. I did not have a carseat or a new little baby to take home. Instead all I had was a bag with some of the things that were donated for you at the Hospital. When we got home we were quickly greated by some friends and neighbors with hugs and support. I walked in the house and felt better being home but went in your room and was so sad. I wanted you home with me so bad, I felt so empty, you were not in my tummy or in my arms, What happened? I Miss you so much baby girl, Your Birthday is on Friday and we will be celebrating with you at your grave. I love you so much baby girl.

A small talk with Jessica

Last night when I was laying down with Jessica she said "I don't want Adriana to die" I said "I know, I miss her to" then she said "How did she die?" After I gathered my thoughts on how To explain it to her, I said "Well, remember her cord that was on her belly button?" She said "ya" I said, "Well, she moved so much that it got really twisted and then she had to go back to Heaven" She then started talking about how she did not want her to die in Heaven, I explained that after we go to Heaven, we don't die again. She goes "OH! I thought we died again." I said "Nope, and after we go to Heaven we will be with our Family and we will be with Adriana, she will be our baby." It is hard for Jessica to understand still, she still thinks that we need to buy Adriana clothes and save Jessica's clothes and shoes that don't fit her anymore so Adriana can wear them. I told her that she won't be wearing them because she is in Heaven and she goes "I know, but we can take them to heaven and give them to her." I said "She does not need these clothes, she has Angel clothes".

Dear Adriana,
Today in Relief Society We talked about the creation of the earth, and how amazing it is. When the lesson first started out with the question, "Why do you think we were so exited to come here to earth?" I quickly responded with an "I have NO idea!" "Knowing all the stuff we would have to go thru while we were here, I would have rather stayed." Then everyone else seemed to have good reasons why we were wanting to come here to earth and receive a body and go thru a test. One reason that stood out to me is that in Heaven we were at the top, basically that we could not gain any thing else to make us better, that we needed to come here to go thru things that were hard to help us to grow spiritually. That definately made sense to me. Then there were comments as to how amazing the birth of a child is and then of course the topic of death came up. Normally I am fine talking about it, but for some reason because it was talked about so close to how amazing the birth of a child was, made me think about how we experienced your Birth and Death at the same time, and that made me very sad and I was thinking about you. I have a really hard time crying in front of people, I don't like it, and even though I tried to hold it back as much as I could, I just couldn't. We also talked about how when people die, they don't go alone. Family is there with them to take them back thru the veil. Your time with us was so short baby girl, and I knew you well even though our eyes never met, I still knew you. I knew the things you liked and did not like, I wish I could have had you here with us longer. I miss you so much and want you to be in my arms so I can snuggle and kiss you. I want to see if your hair would have turned out to be curly like your big sisters, or if you would have been the first to have straight hair. Your sisters and Daddy miss you so very much to, they talk about you all the time, I hope you can hear it. Daddy visited you the other day at your grave and I wish I could have been there. I will go see you on Friday when I am at the Doctor's checking on your baby brother, I promise. I hope you are watching over him and keeping him safe. I Love you so much sweet baby. I hope you know that.
Love,
Mommy